


Nuts

by epochryphal



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Allergies, Anaphylaxis, Gen, M/M, Other, Peanut Snuff, Pranks, This Is Jackass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 05:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7832692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epochryphal/pseuds/epochryphal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>warning label: the following features stunts performed by literal gods with magic powers.  don't try this at home, jackass.</p>
<p>[dirkjohnweek day 5: dirk <strike>accidentally</strike> intentionally feeds john a peanut]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nuts

**Author's Note:**

> i tried to resist this. i really did. it's not even snuff. what the fuck

Twenty minutes into Netflix and chill and he gives you this look.

"John," he says, jerking upright like the biggest eureka just exploded in his dumb head.  "John, anaphylaxis is only lethal due to its effect on the respiratory and cardiovascular systems."

You bap him straight in the glasses without looking over because dammit, Pumaman's about to plunger a guy senseless, but it's no use.  He just keeps talking.

"Seriously, all the other potential symptoms are non-fatal.  Not that fatality is a major concern here, but it kind of puts a fuckin' damper on things when it's not the objective.  But John."  Noooo, he's grabbing your wrist now, fuck offff.  "Our aspects are literally breath and heart.  John, with our powers combined," dude don't do the slide-up-into-handhold thing with that weak reference, lame, "you can eat a peanut."

What.  The fuck.

Okay, you're distracted.  Where's the controll—who are you kidding, you don't need to pause, there's literally nothing to miss.  You jerk your hand back and squint sideways at a nonplussed Dirk.  "When did I tell you I was allergic."

He doesn't look the tiniest bit apologetic, shocker.  "Didn't have to.  You're the only one who sticks to the alternate dishes Jane makes for Jake.  Actually," oh great, the musing voice, "their powers might work for this too.  Not that they'd go for it.  Would be overkill anyway, we got this."

"Got what," you ask flatly and to no discouraging effect.  Jesus, now he's—getting down on one knee _what is this asshole doing_.

"John," he says with the stupidest seriousness, ripping his shades off to stare at you.  "I dare you to eat some nuts."

 

* * *

 

"……Boys," says Jane, managing to sound like she just spent three 12-hour shifts in the ER closest to Chico State during pledge week and is inutterably world-weary.  "Explain."

You can't actually see her through the hives, or talk, or think very good?  Busy, doing air.  But you _can_ wrap your shaky arms around your stabby gut and keep trying not to piss yourself.  God everything is fire.

"Allergies," Dirk says as your tongue throbs.  "Cardiac arrest.  Defibrillated."

"With _what?_ "

"Pink lightning."

"Your _soul-destroying_ pink lightning that is _in no way_ actually tied to _biological organs_?"

Snot leaks onto your tongue and fuckk puke happening now swollen-shut throat or not get out the way—

 

* * *

 

The worst thing is peanuts just taste like oily wood.

The best thing is two days later you convince Jake to try it.


End file.
